I had a clear idea of the family life I wanted. When home began to feel tense, I focused on people snapping at me or walking away while I was talking. I was quick to notice how far their behavior fell short of what I expected.
I was much slower to consider what it was like to live with me. I did not give them enough time, tried to change them to my liking and kept trying to prove that I was right. Looking at it from their side, I could understand why they were frustrated.
They were still caring for me. They reminded me to take my medicines and made sure I ate healthy meals, even while we were having difficulties. I had been overlooking those ordinary acts because I was busy judging the relationship against the one I thought I should have.
Once I saw my part, I needed to change what I brought home. I tried to accept each family member as they were and understand what was behind a comment before reacting. I began listening to their concerns and hopes without treating the conversation as another chance to correct them.
They were skeptical at first, and I understood why. A change in my words could not erase years of experience. As they saw me working on my behavior, things gradually became easier between us. I could share the family life I hoped for while making clear that I had work to do myself.
We still argue and sometimes stop talking for a while. I can also feel the care and affection in our home. I no longer want to overlook that care because something else has upset me.
Before asking someone close to you to change, look at what they already contribute. What have you stopped noticing, and what are they experiencing from you? Begin there before deciding that the relationship is failing to meet your expectations.