Titles, revenue, invitations and recognition are easy to notice. I have cared about those signs of success and worked hard for them. I have also had moments when the public version of me looked better than the person my family experienced.
That is difficult to admit. In “It was not the family of my dreams,” I wrote about judging my family while failing to give them the attention I expected them to understand. The work that made me look committed to other people was also making me unavailable at home.
I still want to build and do work that matters. I also want the people at home to recognize the person others see in public. That means paying attention when there is no audience, and when the only person who will notice is someone close to me.
Look at the ordinary moments
How I speak when I am tired matters. So does whether I keep a promise that brings no public reward, listen when I would rather explain myself, or choose fairness when I could get away with less. These moments show people what they can expect from me.
Sometimes the work is as ordinary as putting the phone down or apologizing without adding a defense. It can also mean doing the right thing for a customer when no one else will know. Recognition elsewhere does not excuse failing to do those things.
I do not get this right automatically. I have to notice where my behavior contradicts what I say matters and make an effort to repair it.
I can begin with one promise I have neglected or one person who keeps waiting. What does that person need me to do differently? I want that answer to matter as much as the next achievement.